In response to Greg Smith’s brave revolt against Goldman Sachs’ business practices, I felt inspired to finally come clean regarding my relationship with the galaxy, the Empire, the Force, and my family. 

After 22 years with the Galactic Empire—first as a padawan to Emperor Palpatine, and then as a Sith Lord at command of the Death Star—I can honestly say that the environment now is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen it.

To put the problem in simplest terms, the interests of the Empire are no longer in the Emperor’s best interests. Force-shocking my son Luke is unacceptable, so much so that I can no longer in good conscience say that I identify with what the Empire stands for. 

That is why I have decided to throw Emperor Palpatine (Darth Sidious) into the Death Star’s reactor core.

It might sound surprising to a skeptical public, but the Empire has traditionally stood for freeing the galaxy from the violence propagated by the Galactic Republic and the Clone Wars it so readily engaged in. Created under the ideal of ridding the world of Jedi, the Galactic Empire was originally conceived in order to promote expanding the influence of the so-called “dark”, but more powerful, side of the force.  

I knew it was time to leave when I realized I could no longer look Luke in the eye while massive amounts of force lightning were flowing through his body. 

Over the years I have slaughtered younglings training to become Jedi, choked countless Death Star crew members, ended the life of my former trainer Obi Wan Kenobi in a lightsaber battle, and even destroyed the entire planet of Alderaan, the home planet of my daughter (I didn’t know!). Despite this, I feel that my deathbed repentance should adequately cleanse my reputation of the misdeeds of the past. I hope my sacrifice for the Rebellion’s cause, paired with this public resignation and criticism of the Empire’s policy will serve as adequate reparation for my years in service of this repugnant organization. 

-Darth Vader (Anakin Skywalker)

Anybody wanna buy a used harmonica?

“Oh no,” said the lumberjack.

I’m embarrassed to mention this, but I think we’ve met before, remember? I was the one who kept quoting lines from Sixteen Candles and you kept laughing until finally you said that you actually haven’t seen it. I didn’t believe you and continued quoting lines, trying to illicit a response from you—some sort of cue, that would betray the fact that you have seen that movie, and you love it like every other person our age. 

Someone walked in to grab a drink, because we were standing in the kitchen, right? The tile on the floor was black and white checkered and you commented that was like a chessboard, and I laughed, claiming that was the least creative thing you could have said, nearly spitting my drink all over the front of my jacket—which you liked, because you told me. Your brother had one just like it, though he never wears it. 

We didn’t talk for long. I had just come in for a moment looking for ice, and you were just about to leave. You couldn’t find your shoes. You had taken them off because they were your roommate’s and she has smaller feet than you. She’s usually rude and unhelpful but that night she was willing to lend you a pair of pink and black pumps. 

Oh, that wasn’t you? Are you sure? Sorry.

Never mind.

Tips:

-Look for fancy art or graphics on the cover. The better the graphic, the better the book. 

-Decide which color your like your books to be; find one of this color.

-Read the author’s name. Do you like the sound of it? Only buy books by people you have heard of or whose name you could imagine yourself using in a sentence; e.g. “I have been reading _______ by ______ _______.”

-Book size can be important. Some people like big books, others small. It is a personal preference what size books you avoid. 

Judging books can be arduous, but following this guide can make it significantly easier. Remember, books with boring covers are always boring inside. 

All anybody does is talk, talk, talk, never allowing for one second of quiet contemplation, never letting anybody think, so loud that you can’t even hear your own thoughts—I don’t understand why we can never have any peace around here! There is always someone running their mouth; on and on and on and on, it never stops! Really, you would think that a person would realize how much they are annoying everyone.

Goodness.

-Maude

Lately I have been struggling with postpartum depression, as my baby is extremely ugly. What should I do? - Dejected in Des Moines

Remember that at least 20% of the babies born every day lack a defined hairline and any grasp of how to properly apply pomade. You are not alone.

Sadly there is not much you can do in the way of improving your child’s looks. If you have tried applying lipstick liberally to no avail, you must turn to the tried and true technique for making your baby look better: express to others your feelings on how ugly your friend’s babies are. Talk about how other babies “scrunch their faces like a shar pei”, while proclaiming yours “sure looks like James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause.“ 

This method will ensure that your little one buoys up your self-worth just as you supposed before conception. 

P.S. A little trick I’ve learned: If all else fails, just assume those genes came from the other side of the family.